There's this quote I stumbled across recently online (Pinterest, I'm quite sure...again, hello, my name is Tara and I'm an Pinterest addict) and it went something like this:
"When you are comparing your life to the lives of others, you have to remember, you are comparing your back stage to their on stage."
As I read it, I'm pretty sure I had a physical, guttural reaction. It spoke to me in a way that literally made me stop in my track and think. We all put on a brilliant "act" for public consumption and viewing. We don't get to see the trials and tribulations of those around us because they are scared just as shitless as I am to let anyone know what they are really going through. I don't know if it's fear of failure, fear of seeming out of control, or something else entirely; but I do know that we all have stuff going on in our lives that only we can see, yet we continue to hold it up to what we think is comparable in the lives of those around. It's crazy, really it is.
As I've been going about my life lately, which in all honestly hasn't been that bad, thanks to a number of people in it, I still find myself thinking, "My life is a mess! I don't know what I'm doing, what a wreck! I don't blame anyone for running. As a matter of fact, there is a 'get out of jail free card' at the ready if/when this is just too much to handle, isn't what they've signed on for or can't be around the circus any longer. Feel free to run at any time."
I shared this sentiment with a very dear friend of mine the other night and she called me on it. She said (in a nutshell), "Wrong and shame on you! You are amazing and anyone that gets to share their life with you is a lucky person. If you keep telling them that, you are keeping them at an arms distance and not letting them in. They will run, even if you don't want them to, because you haven't let them in. Do you want them to run?" Well, no, of course not! I don't want them to go anywhere. But everyday I wake up, I seem to want something different. One thing I want that never changes, is to be the best mom I can be for X. So I pull up my big girl panties, wipe my nose and solider on...being mom. :)
I shared this sentiment with a very dear friend of mine the other night and she called me on it. She said (in a nutshell), "Wrong and shame on you! You are amazing and anyone that gets to share their life with you is a lucky person. If you keep telling them that, you are keeping them at an arms distance and not letting them in. They will run, even if you don't want them to, because you haven't let them in. Do you want them to run?" Well, no, of course not! I don't want them to go anywhere. But everyday I wake up, I seem to want something different. One thing I want that never changes, is to be the best mom I can be for X. So I pull up my big girl panties, wipe my nose and solider on...being mom. :)
I suppose as a single mom dealing with a pretty crappy situation and trying to make the best of it, I feel like I walk around with a neon, blinking sign over my head that reads:
"CAUTION! DISASTER! MERGE LEFT! DETOUR AHEAD! AVOID FALLING ROCKS! ABRUPT LANE EDGE! DEAD END! DO NOT ENTER!"
This is my "back stage." I know that the ones I love and love me don't see this. It's hard to put aside these insecurities, open up and let happiness and love flow in.
I know that all that I'm going through is only the tip of the iceberg. I know that there is always going to be a constant "ABRUPT TURN" sign over my head (in my mind) considering who I have to deal with for the rest of my life. But, every moment is worth it. Worth it because I know there is an end in sight and a bright future waiting for me...if I'll allow it.
Lots of love!
T
Seriously. We all have shit that we don't want to let other people see (I have a shit load of it!). This is good to remember though, the ones who truly love us won't take the detour, they'll go through it with us.
ReplyDeletelove you.