Being Bigger is Exhausting!

Alright folks...get your minds out of the gutter! ;)

In life, I've generally always taken the high road, bit my tongue and been the bigger person. It's served me well.  I've felt that if you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves...no dirty work needed. ;) I usually feel better knowing that I didn't stoop to their level, simply let it go and let karma do the rest. But let me just say this, being the bigger person is utterly EXHAUSTING!

I was faced with this challenge yesterday and sadly, I let myself sink to that level. I was tired of not responding, I was tired of stuffing my feelings about the issue and I was certainly tired of eating my emotions (I've been doing extra running just to counter act the eating of my emotions lately). I have feelings, opinions and right to voice them - I wanted my feelings to be heard, although I'm sure they fell on deaf ears, but damn it felt good!!

The worst part of all of this is now the regret I feel for having let loose with the emotional tidal wave.  I should have kept my mouth shut. I don't know what ripple effect my wave caused on the other end, but I hope and pray it didn't seep out onto my son.  As I sit here riddled with guilt that I might have caused a backlash, I Googled some advice.  This what I found:

"If we are divorced with children, we will be in some sort of a relationship with our ex’s forever. To that end, we must do whatever we can to create a relationship that will nurture and support our children. We must learn to let go of grudges that get in the way of co-parenting. A toxic relationship leaks all over the place. Our children are incredibly perceptive. They know what is going on between the two of you even if you do your best to hide it. ...You may not see the rewards of your sacrifices today or even in the next few years but they will come sooner or later. Usually later. If you think that you have made some mistakes, clean up the mess. Let your kids know that you have learned a great deal and are the wiser for it today. They will come to know in their own time that life does not always go as planned and our experiences hold hidden treasures." 

Good advice, easier said than done.

So I made a mess yesterday with my emotional outburst. Now I have to clean this up, find a new common and civil ground and attempt to move forward again...as the bigger person. I just hope not literally a BIGGER person if I keep eating my emotions to remain the "bigger person."

It Takes A Village

Being a mom is hard. Being a married mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a single, full-time employed, overachieving, type-A, socially active mom is downright the most difficult thing I’ve EVER done.

Some days I look at my life and I think, “how the HELL did I end up here and how the HELL am I going to do this on my own?!?” I had a very big wake-up call about my life last night when one of my BFF’s came over for dinner.

SIDE NOTE: X is THRILLED to be back in the house!! He wanted me to cover his eyes and surprise him with his room. He sat in there for the entire time dinner was being prepared playing with every single toy he could get his hands on! The look in his eyes (a cross between happiness to be home and sadness that it was just the two of us – no dad) was priceless, heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time.

As we finished preparing dinner, it was late and past X’s bed time. He went to his room to get his PJ’s on and the nightly battle over staying focused to get dressed began. Just as I was about to lose my cool, my friend jumped in and helped him focus and complete the task at hand…“get your damn PJ’s on!”

I realized at that moment how CRITICAL it is to have two actively involved adults/parents raising a child. I was overcome with emotion at how hard this has been and how much easier it would be if I had someone else helping.  I also realized how much help I really have at my fingertips, I just need to swallow my pride for a fricken minute and ask for it. I have some amazingly wonderful people in my life that are here for me and I need to get better at asking for it.

I want to put a shout out to my “Village”:

Thank you. 

Thank you for being there in a moment when you probably don’t even realize how much of a life saver you are being. 

Thank you for being there without a single question or hesitation. 

Thank you for loving my son and me unconditionally and looking past my assholeness at times. 

Thank you for being my rock to lean on when the path is too hard at times. 

Thank you!

Love,

T