Bucket List

DISCLAIMER: If you have a weak stomach or don't like to talk about poop, please don't read this post!


Being a mom is gross. Between the tar-like poop you have to practically use battery acid to remove from their butts as infants, the concrete-esque boogers you have to suck out of their noses, being peed - pooped - vomited and sneezed on and the kicker...handing me (more like spitting out) chewed up items he doesn't want to swallow, being a mom is gross.

Now, since I'm the "95% of the time" parent in our house, I get dubbed the expert in all of these experiences, and can easily cross any bodily function being on me off my bucket list (if that's something people would even want to track on a bucket list - but as a parent this is a given).

X had a bout of diarrhea a few months back and I had to explain to him, "If you feel like you have to fart, please sit on the toilet so we don't poop in your pants again, ok?" (yes AGAIN, that was a long day/night with many loads of laundry).  Gross.

This past weekend, X had a minor stomach bug. Since he is a bright child, I think he remembered what his stomach felt like then because on Saturday morning he woke up and said, "I think I should fart on the toilet because my butt is steaming!"  "Ok then. Gross."  Sure enough he had some diarrhea.  I immediately switched to water and crackers and after a few it seemed to subside. Wrong.

Once my husband got home, we went out to breakfast and the first vomiting episode came with.  Again, thankfully X is a bright kid and knew his stomach was upset and needed to get to the bathroom, however, the vomit disagreed and it arrived just outside the bathroom door.  "Eww. Yuk."

Upon arriving home (husband was in the bed before I could get X's jacket off - knocked out cold) the diarrhea continued and after a trip to the store for some Pedialite I thought we were going to be in the clear...boy was I wrong!  X made it to the toilet to "fart" and next thing I hear is SPLAT! "OMG - it's coming out both ends!!! YUK!!"

As I frantically grabbed for a bucket and raced back to the bathroom, I stubbed my toe on the corner of the kitchen, whacked my elbow on the back of a chair and stepped right in the vomit on the bathroom floor.  "THIS IS SO GROSS!! Being a mom is SO gross!"

After I got done with my brief moment of self-pity, I looked up and saw my son sitting on the toilet, bare legs dangling from the toilet and head in the biggest plastic bucket I could find - my heart sank and immediately felt so bad for my baby.  Standing there with vomit on my feet I comforted X, got him cleaned up (a quick shower and brushed teeth) and off to the couch we went for some good, old-fashioned TV "crack-out" on Spongebob.

Item crossed off my "parenting" bucket list: First "coming out both ends" experience.