The Me of a Year Ago...

First off, I want to welcome you to the new "look" of my blog. I was feeling like I needed something new and fresh...this is what I've landed on (for now). I hope you like it! :)

I was reading over some old FB statuses from last summer (and beyond) and I was truly struck with how far I've come (and X too) in a years time. I was transported back to the feelings of utter saddness, defeat, anger, disappointment and fear. Fear was one of the biggest emotions I remember from last year. I didn't fear getting through what I knew would be one of the hardest years of my life to date because I have an AMAZING support system. I knew I'd have a million shoulders to cry on, a million arms to pick me up & dust me off and a million homes open to us for hiding when we needed to hide away for a bit.

What I remember is I had a bigger fear of finding happiness again. The me of a year ago couldn't even fathom being truly happy again. Couldn't even fathom finding somone that would put his shoulder to the world along side of mine and soilder through it with me. I saw a broken and sad woman facing me in the mirror. I barely ate, rarely slept and drowned it all (or tried to numb it all) away.

But what I've learned...that all fades. The anger turns to forgiveness, the saddness turns to rememberance, the defeat turns to courage and the hurt just fades. I've learned many things about myself and what I want for me from this experience. I've become a more patient mother/friend/sister/daughter. I've also learned to laugh a whole lot more and not take life too serious...it can change in the blink of an eye (or the split second of a text). I've also learned that in order to find that happiness again, you have to open up and let it in. Staying afraid to feel the hurt again will never allow it to fade...staying afraid let's the fear win.

I know I have more fear to put aside, and as the months pass those fears continue to fade. I turn to my support system every step of the way and stand shoulder to shoulder with an amazing man [Hi babe!] who is willing to go the distance with me and X...all of us finding happiness in that journey. I'm not sure how I can ever truly express to my support system how much they've pulled me from the deep, dark valleys. I only hope that I can pay it forward in some way, some day to somone who needs it more than I did.

I have been fortunate in my situation, although I know I have more battles to wage in this war, but I want those who are still hurting, angry, sad and affraid to know...hold on. Hold on with every thread of your being. There will be a day when you can look back on your last year and be proud of where you are today...whenever today is for you.

XOXO,
T