Caution! Detour Ahead.

There's this quote I stumbled across recently online (Pinterest, I'm quite sure...again, hello, my name is Tara and I'm an Pinterest addict) and it went something like this: 

"When you are comparing your life to the lives of others, you have to remember, you are comparing your back stage to their on stage."

As I read it, I'm pretty sure I had a physical, guttural reaction. It spoke to me in a way that literally made me stop in my track and think.  We all put on a brilliant "act" for public consumption and viewing. We don't get to see the trials and tribulations of those around us because they are scared just as shitless as I am to let anyone know what they are really going through. I don't know if it's fear of failure, fear of seeming out of control, or something else entirely; but I do know that we all have stuff going on in our lives that only we can see, yet we continue to hold it up to what we think is comparable in the lives of those around. It's crazy, really it is.

As I've been going about my life lately, which in all honestly hasn't been that bad, thanks to a number of people in it, I still find myself thinking, "My life is a mess! I don't know what I'm doing, what a wreck! I don't blame anyone for running. As a matter of fact, there is a 'get out of jail free card' at the ready if/when this is just too much to handle, isn't what they've signed on for or can't be around the circus any longer. Feel free to run at any time." 

I shared this sentiment with a very dear friend of mine the other night and she called me on it. She said (in a nutshell), "Wrong and shame on you! You are amazing and anyone that gets to share their life with you is a lucky person. If you keep telling them that, you are keeping them at an arms distance and not letting them in. They will run, even if you don't want them to, because you haven't let them in. Do you want them to run?" Well, no, of course not! I don't want them to go anywhere. But everyday I wake up, I seem to want something different. One thing I want that never changes, is to be the best mom I can be for X. So I pull up my big girl panties, wipe my nose and solider on...being mom. :)

I suppose as a single mom dealing with a pretty crappy situation and trying to make the best of it, I feel like I walk around with a neon, blinking sign over my head that reads:

"CAUTION! DISASTER! MERGE LEFT! DETOUR AHEAD! AVOID FALLING ROCKS! ABRUPT LANE EDGE! DEAD END! DO NOT ENTER!"

This is my "back stage." I know that the ones I love and love me don't see this. It's hard to put aside these insecurities, open up and let happiness and love flow in. 

I know that all that I'm going through is only the tip of the iceberg. I know that there is always going to be a constant "ABRUPT TURN" sign over my head (in my mind) considering who I have to deal with for the rest of my life. But, every moment is worth it. Worth it because I know there is an end in sight and a bright future waiting for me...if I'll allow it. 

Lots of love!

T

Not a One Way Street

When I have moments in my days that I can just think (i.e. I'm home alone, driving in the car without music playing or taking a shower) I often think of ways to be successful in my relationships.  I know my marriage failed for a number of reasons (one really big glaring one...but we won't go there), but I often wonder if there were things I could have done differently, more/less of, or if I could have really made a difference at all.  Because of these thoughts I started looking online (I know, the internet is like a bathroom wall - anyone can post there...hey, I'm here posting...LOL) for tips for making relationships successful.  What I've found is something I already knew...love isn't a one way street. Both adults (please make note of this word ADULTS) need to be willing participants in the relationship. 

There are lots of tips and advice on making your relationships successful out there, so I'm only going to mention a couple of them here. I know I'm not alone in wanting to be one of those "disgustingly happy" couples, so I hope that this info will help someone as well who may be struggling in a relationship that they want to preserve.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm a hopeless romantic. I love to show love and affection. I know there are tons of ways to show it and knowing how your partner likes to be loved is part of the formula.  One resource in particular is "The 5 Love Languages" (there is a book and also this great website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/). I find this interesting because not everyone shows love/affection the same way or wants to receive it in the same way. Part of being a willing participant in a relationship is knowing what makes your partner happy and doing those things/showing it in their way is important. I took the quiz on the website and my primary love language is Physical Touch (this is not shocking news to me - I'm a hugger, kisser, and a firm believer in a good game of grab ass). There are quizzes for all phases of your life: single, wife, husband, parents, children. You can even identify your Apology Language (and the same for your partner). I took this quiz as well, because if you are going to be in a relationship, more than likely there is going to be a disagreement (or two or three or ten) and apologizing is part of being an adult and function within the relationship. My apology language is Accepting Responsibility (in that the way I want to be apologized to is for the other person to accept responsibility).

I highly recommend this site and book. I actually discovered I have a close second love language, Receiving Gifts. Now, please don’t mistake this for materialism; I thrive on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gifts. Learning how to apply this information to my relationships (intimate/family/friends) and how I can help those relationships be successful by being aware of my love and apology languages is a new added resolution for this year.

One of the other things I came across in my research is a list of "75 Ways to Show Love". I think that knowing your love language (and the love language of your partner) and being aware of many items on this list, you have a pretty damn good recipe for a happy and successful relationship. I love so many of the things on this list and you'll hopefully see that so many of them are FREE!

1. A kiss on the forehead

2. Uninterrupted quality time

3. A note under the pillow

4. Tell him when he looks masculine, sexy, or hot

5. Turn a regular day into an All-About-You day just for your mate

6. Breakfast served in bed

7. A romantic picnic indoors

8. An unexpected dinner cruise

9. Propose marriage on one knee

10. Don’t complain when he leaves the toilet seat up

11. A rose on the pillow

12. Tell her she’s beautiful

13. Pour on the chivalry (open doors, pull her chair out)

14. A bubble bath with rose petals and her favorite scented candles

15. Verbalize what your relationship means to you

16. Surprise her with her favorite flowers and candy

17. An “I love you because…” list

18. PDA (public displays of affection)

19. Heart shaped pancakes or cookies

20. A walk in the park together

21. Hold your beloved a little tighter and longer than usual

22. Do some of his/her chores

23. A handwritten card sprayed with your scent

24. Spoil each other

25. Renew your marriage vows

26. Be first to say “I’m sorry” after an argument

27. Personalize (i.e. engrave) gifts

28. Place an “I love you” flyer under the car’s windshield wiper

29. Send a surprise gift to his/her workplace

30. Support each others dreams

31. Make love slowly, passionately

32. Run his bath water

33. Give your spouse space when needed

34. Buy her feminine hygiene products (before she asks)

35. Bring him a cold beer while he watches football

36. Put a love note in her purse

37. Hold hands

38. Take showers together and wash each others back (or whole body)

39. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes

40. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight

41. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends

42. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have an unexpected date night

43. Say how much you love each other even if you think it’s known

44. Use cute pet names for each other

45. Rub your noses together

46. Remember to say thank you (often)

47. Excuse each others mistakes

48. Meditate together

49. Sleep in his t-shirt

50. Wash her hair

51. Step outside of traditional gender roles to help each other (Cook dinner for her; take the trash out for him)

52. Verbally reassure your lover

53. Take photographs as a couple

54. Give up the last piece of food on your plate

55. Write a short fairy tale using you and your mate as the characters (Once upon a time…”)

56. Listen more intently

57. Flirt with each other

58. Sing your significant other a love song

59. Get up early to help him/her get ready for work

60. Say “I adore you”

61. Watch a chic flick with her

62. Kiss your mate somewhere you never thought to kiss before (i.e. elbow, knee, toe)

63. Initiate affection (hugs, kisses, spooning)

64. Take good care of yourself so that you’re at your best for the one you love

65. A handmade gift or card

66. Write a sweet message on a fogged-up mirror so he/she will see it after exiting the shower

67. Cook your significant others' favorite meal

68. Feed each other chocolate covered strawberries

69. Cuddle by the fireplace

70. Laugh and have fun with each other

71. Rub his/her feet

72. Create a scrapbook together

73. Start a hobby together

74. Dance indoors to your favorite song

75. Ask about each others day

XO,

T

SOA & Born to Raise a Boy

This post requires a bit of an intro, so please bear with me (but I'm sure if you are a return reader, you know I don't really get to the point quickly - and for that I'm sorry). LOL!! :)

Let me first start by saying this...if you haven't seen the TV show Sons of Anarchy I STRONGLY urge you to stop what you are doing (well of course after you finish reading this amazing blog entry) and subject yourself to the show ASAP! When I first heard about the show from J he was telling me about "Outlaw Tuesdays" and this show SOA. Guns, drugs, sex, violence, power-struggle, betrayal, family loyalty and motorcycle gangs. :| I thought, "Um, seriously!? Why would I want to watch a show like that?!? I'm a Sex and the City kind of gal."  But because it was early on when J and I were still just getting to know each other, I humored him and told him I'd watch an episode with him. [You're right babe - one of the best shows ever!]. We turned on OnDemand and watched an episode, I believe it was smack-dab in the middle of Season 4. I was lost and confused, but admittedly curious to see more. J hooked me up with NetFlix so I could start from Season 1. Immediately hooked is an understatement. I'm pretty sure I watched almost ALL of Season 1 in one sitting. I was up until the wee hours of the morning just to see what happens next (and this is exactly why I don't read to fall asleep - doesn't work). From a critic point of view, it has excellent acting, writing, great story line, superior cast, suspense and drama to keep you coming back for more.  From a female point of view - O.M.G. ...eye-candy galore!! It's sexy, dirty and sort of makes you feel wrong for watching, but like a train wreck...you can't look away...I love it!


J and I just finished catching up on Season 3, and (now please bear with me) there was a scene of the main character making out with - what he doesn't know is - his half sister. Well, both the moms walk in and catch them, walk out and decide they need to tell them they are related.  The scene cuts to the girl and her mom. The girl is shocked, crying and, being a girl myself I know, she was filling her mind with all the "what if's", "how could you's" and "what will everyone think's". She's crying and wanting to know why?  The scene cuts again to the guy and his mom and it's this hilarious moment of "dang mom, I almost did it with my sister!" He's kinda giggling and they share this funny mother/son moment. As I sat on the couch watching these two scenes I thought to myself, "This is exactly why I am thankful I'm raising a boy. I don't think I could deal with that other situation." Wrong, I know. Again, just how I'm wired. ;)

I knew from the moment I started thinking about having children I hoped I would have a boy. Now, don't get me wrong, I think just about every woman wants to have a little girl so you can do the cute hair, tu-tu's, dresses, shoes - all that girlie stuff (don't lie to yourselves ladies...you know you do... and that OK...I still do on some level). I would think about what it would be like to raise a version of ME and to try to help a girl get through all of what life holds as a girl and I knew there was NO WAY I'd be able to succeed at that.  When I found out I was having a boy, I was so relieved. Now, there was (and still are) moments of panic..."I don't know what to do with a boy! I don't want to raise a ninny! I don't know much about boy stuff! Am I doing this right?" But as the days/weeks/months/years pass, I learn new stuff about raising a boy daily. I'm becoming a master of Transformers, knowledgeable in all things dinosaurs, learning to cook/clean/go to the bathroom while dodging Nerf bullets and trying not to question what substance is on his hands - just insist he washes them, brushes his teeth, flushes the toilet and don't run with your pants around your ankles.

I think the Universe/God/Fate (you pick one, or add your own depending on your beliefs) knows what you are cut out to do and will give you just that. I believe I was born to raise a boy. 


I always say, "Everyday I don't kill him or let him kill himself is a successful day as a parent!"


Salud,
T

SOPA & PIPA (No, not the yummy fried dessert at Mexican Resturants)

IMPORTANT - Please read!

I feel this is a good forum to post this information as these bills will affect those of use who blog and use the Internet for personal and business use. After this post, my blog will be silent during this protest as well as my Facebook page, my Pinterest activity and finally my Pandora radio. These are all the ways I use the Internet in my personal life - all of which will be affected by these bills.

On Jan 24th, Congress will vote to pass internet censorship in the Senate, even though the vast majority of Americans are opposed. We need to kill the bill - PIPA in the Senate and SOPA in the House - to protect our rights to free speech, privacy, and prosperity. 

You can make your voice heard in a number of ways, here are some links to websites that are circulating online petitions for these bills: 

http://sopastrike.com/strike/
https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

You can also email your local congressperson and voice your concern with them directly as well.  You can locate your local congressperson via this website too (can you now see how important the Internet is in our lives):

http://house.gov/htbin/findrep

I hope you all will join me - you found me on the Internet, I'm sure you use it daily. Don't let your right to a free and open Internet be taken from you.

Cheers!

T

Pinterest-mantic

About a month ago, I was introduced to Pinterest.  At first I was like, "Whatever, just another place like Etsy to see all the cute crafty people doing cute craft things. I'm not crafty, I'm not interested." Just like with anything else I've poo-pooed, I began to get curiouser and curiouser about this website (that's how my FB habit was formed).  So one day I typed the infamous URL into my browser and a new addict was born!

Now let me say this...I've actually used 5 recipes from Pinterest to date, so it really is useful. However, the hours I've wasted to find those recipes and all the other stuff on there...not so useful, but totally addicting (and of course it's NEVER {wink wink} been on work time)! It's like a virtual scrapbook/idea book/cookbook. There is even an app for your mobile devices! You can "pin" just about anything: recipes, home decor ideas, crafts, nail polish, quotes, wedding ideas, baby stuff, design, art, music, videos, fitness, home/office organization ideas, DIY tips/tricks, etc., etc.! I think you sort of get the picture, but you'll never fully understand how awesome it is until you try it. Spoken like a true addict! ;)

--> Start digression here <--

I'm a hopeless romantic.  I LOVE love and I LOVE all things that show/express love. I'm certain I'm not alone here as I think many women in general are romantics (I blame Hollywood and all the sappy movies we get blasted with). Showing/expressing love and/or being romantic doesn't have to be an expensive endeavor (although I'd be a fool and a liar if I said flowers, gifts and jewelry aren't important - just not always necessary or the only way to be romantic/show love). Leaving post-its with sweet notes for each other, "thinking of you" texts during the day, calling just to say "HI!", making dinner, warming up my car on a cold day, picking up a card that says how you feel and thinking of me/my needs in the same thought as your own.  By the way, for my male readers (if I even have any), you earn "action" points for all of this. So if you want to ensure a little bedroom mambo, drop a few of these on your special lady and I can just about 100% guarantee it will happen! You're Welcome! :)


--> End digression <--


-->Start point of this post <--

The one thing I've found oddly fascinating about Pinterest is all the "wedding" boards ladies out there are making. They are pinning wedding dresses, engagement rings, flowers, centerpieces, invitations, hair ideas, bridesmaid dresses, etc., etc. and many of these women are not even engaged or in a relationship for that matter. At first I was like, "WTF!?! You are planning a wedding already?! Jeez, I feel for that poor guy when you meet him." I found myself sitting and shaking my head in full shock and judgement.  I know you might think...I have this reaction because I'm jaded about marriage/weddings given my current life events, but I'm really not. I still fully believe in marriage and would love to be a wife again some day (just with a better other half/partner in the deal).

About a week ago, J and I were on the couch watching TV and a commercial come on (don't remember what it was for) and J made a comment about how expensive weddings are and he'd never spend all that money again on another wedding - the court house is good enough. I replied with a knee jerk reaction of, "Yeah, no kidding, totally a waste." [Sorry babe, I sorta lied.] I think the hopeless romantic deep down in me would like to make the next wedding special with a dress, flowers and a small group of close friends & family, but I've come to realize that maybe a big, lavish wedding isn't what I'd want to do again. I can't help it, just the way I'm wired....romantic, sappy & uber-girlie.

So, I want to apologize to all the ladies out there with wedding boards full of beautiful pins for that special day. Dare to dream! Dream big and I hope your beautiful day comes with all your "pins" realized! :)

Pinterest-mantics (Pinterest Romantics) Unite! 


But I'm still not creating a board for it.

XO,
T

Facial Hair & The "Dirty 30's"

After the response to my post from yesterday, I wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented and all the new readers (including J - he reads this now too). [Hi babe!] Thank you! I truly do enjoy writing and my life gives me plenty of material to write about. :)

In an effort to keep writing, I woke up this morning pondering my life and what could I write about and share. I'd like to add to the blog more often and I think starting a number of posts as soon as I have an idea and elaborating on them at different times might be a way to start. I can say, I know I don't have a shortage of ideas/material.

So, as I did the normal naked bathroom waltz before hopping in the shower....Ok, you know...stand in the mirror naked, turn the the right and suck your gut in, turn to the left and suck it in, maybe push it out just to get a giggle. Pull your face skin back and think "is this how I used to look?" and then scrunch it all up and think "is this how I'll look 10 years from now?" (You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about - don't act like you don't). Then you lean in nice and close to the mirror and look at your skin.  That's when the tweezers come out and all the stray hairs that you search out come under attack.  I digress...I'm in the bathroom with tweezers in hand and I think to myself, "Man, getting older kinda stinks. I mean, WTF is up with my face now growing hair!?! All over!! Effing hormones and getting old!" :| (<-- For future reference, this is my "I'm not impressed" face. I like it and I use it a lot).

But then another thought came to mind, I guess getting older isn't too bad. I mean, my 30's are FAR better than my 20's in so many ways. 1.) I'm much more confident in who I am as a woman than I was in my 20's. 2.) I've become a mother yet still get to have a career and now a new/fresh personal life.  3.) I have fewer friends than I did in my 20's, but my friends now are more genuine and like family in my 30's. You know the other part that ROCKS about my 30's?  The "Dirty 30's"! They aren't a myth!! It's pretty awesome and I'm starting to kinda dig it.  At first I thought something was wrong, but then I realized this was it - I had officially hit my dirty 30's (I'm 34 FYI). SWEET!

Shortly after that was another thought..."Damn! This is how men in their 20's must feel...daily! Hourly! Every dang minute! How do they get through a day without thinking about sex?!?" I guess that explains why many of the guys I knew in my 20's behaved the way they did. I get it now, sorry for judging you all. It's a wonder I can get through a day sometimes without just screaming, "I just need to get laid!!" I'm sure my co-workers are happy I don't, so I'll try to keep it under control or at least at home. [Lucky for you J!]

So here's to the "Dirty 30's" and all the other great things (not including the facial hair) that come with being in my 30's!

Cheers!
T

Dating 101 & Kissing Frogs

Let me start by saying, if anyone reading this is offended by the fact that I'm dating and not yet technically divorced, please put your blinders back on and stop reading now. No offense will be taken.

But, if you find humor in other peoples epicfails...keep on reading! ;)

First off, I never really dated, so this is my first voyage into that world. I met my ex in college when I was 18 (yup, 18 - epicfail #1). He was all of the things that were the opposite of what I thought people expected me to look for in a guy - so of course I was immediately smitten.  Well, smitten turned to love and love turned to marriage (for the sake of time, we won't rehash the rest from there, but as you know 14 years later it didn't turn out so great).

What I'm finding is that dating is interesting. It's interesting on a number of levels. I think the most interesting thing about it is how different it is in our 30's than it was in our 20's and the thing that makes it so different is technology. Anyone under the age of 28 reading this, I'm certain you can't relate, but when I was in my first year of college, we didn't have cell phones. GASP! There was no texting or even Facebook to keep in touch. We had to call a home phone, if that person wasn't there you had to leave a message either with a roommate or on an answering machine. You then more than likely had to wait ALL DAY for a return call.  It was just how it was and the crazy internal dialog didn't really happen because instant gratification of communication wasn't a "norm".

These days, if you send a text and you don't hear back within 15-20 minutes, panic ensues and the internal dialog goes something a bit like this:

"Did he get it?"

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Why isn't he answering me?"

"Maybe he seeing someone else!"

"Is he seeing someone else?"

"Is he avoiding me?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"Am I too pushy?"

"Do I seem needy?"

...and so on and so on.

This internal dialog doesn't seem to go away. It becomes less intense as I've dated, but it's still there. Learning to accept that I'm AWESOME and someone will want to be with me is still something I'm working on and I'm getting better at it.**

When I made the decision to start dating I thought "How in the HELL am I supposed to meet anyone?!?! I don't go out, I'm a single full-time working mom." So, as many Americans are doing these days, I turned to online dating. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it has added to my 'Dating is Interesting' statement from earlier. It's fun, but exhausting. Very exhausting!

I was out to dinner with a friend from college recently and I explained online dating to her is like online shopping. You get to preview your purchases (aka: matches) before you buy (aka: start communicating). You get to try them out (aka: go on a date or two) before you decide to keep them (aka: start dating). If they pinch in the toe a bit (aka: are any of the following types of guys - see below), you send them back and try again!

In my experience so far, it's mostly been a long string of guys that earned themselves nicknames and taught me what I do/don't want. The reason for this is that there was just "something" about each one that sent up those red flags that I knew they weren't going to stick around for long. Here are some of the epicfails I've had since starting to date:

The "Fred Durst" Saint

The "I have 2 kids, but just found out about a set of twins I fathered" Guy

The Architect

The Do-gooder Superhero

The Tastebud Tester

The Tractor Wine Tasting Guy

The Liar

The Marine
The "I'm actually getting back together with my girlfriend 24 hours after telling you I want to get with you" Guy

The Hood River Creeper

There are a number of one-dater's in there that just didn't even get a chance to earn a nickname, they came and went just that quickly. I think you can now see how this can become exhausting. Each of these guys come with a great story of their own, but I'd be writing a book if I went into details on each one.

If there's a lesson to be learned from all of this...don't give up! You have to kiss a LOT of frogs ladies and gents. There are far more "nickname" types out there than keepers. But don't give up!  Learn and live through me for a while if you need to before you get out there and kiss those frogs, but get out there.  Life is too short to settle for being alone. We are all damaged/broken/scared in one way or another. We can either live in those fears and regrets or we can wipe the slate clean and find our happily ever after!

Cheers!

T

**I can happily report that I've met an AMAZING guy. J and I met online in early October and it's been wonderful! We're taking it slow and it's great. He's awesome and makes me smile daily! :D